Sunday 1st May v NHS Revolution
at Toryglen Sports Centre 0-1 (0-0)
Martin Kelly, Arthur McCue (Calum MacDonald), Allan MacKenzie, John Crosbie, Stuart Waugh, Ally McNaught, Calum Colquhoun (Jason Rae), Neil Skinner (Ciaran Edelsten), Paul Joyce (c), David Blair (Andy McNaught) and Sean Connolly (Robert Shimmons)
It was the story of the decade and a fairy tale romance.
The heir to the throne had found love and the nation was delighted at his happiness.
Thrown together by love, nobody could ever separate the true lovers……………
………………in Andy Boy’s favourite Burger King the Croftfoot Goal Machine finished his last morsel and declared, “I luv burgers, luv them and want to spend ma whole life eating them.”
The huge game against NHS Revolution (formerly known as The Gynos) was upon us but unfortunately Fortress Holyrood was out of action.
The Stadium had been closed for Health and Safety (gone mad) reasons as the Higgy MaRiggy Platinum Lounge had suffered a fire in the early hours of Friday morning.
This was a huge blow to the Waugh Twins who had spent literally hours putting up bunting and photos of the Royal Family in preparation for the Royal Wedding between Big Wullie and Caff.
The local police, who were all due to attend the gala day, were mystified about how the fire started and all they found were a can of petrol, an empty can of Stella and a strange looking hat with a bottle opener in it.
As Fortress Holyrood was out of action we made the long journey to the Toryglen Children’s Sports Centre for the massive NHS game.
After the previous week’s large victory confidence was high but there were a few regulars missing including Weewhatshisname.
“Does anybody know where the Wee Forward Guy is”, asked Mister C.
“I believe he is”, said Slide Tackle Stu but his voice was drowned out by the sound of the Club Hair Dryer, “..…camp”, as LHD finally switched the dryer off.
“Yes, yes, we know that, but where is he today ?”
“As I said he is”, the dryer started again, “…..camp”.
“First of all, LHD just tie your hair up in a bun, and Stu we know he’s camp but we just want to know where he is.”
“Wee Whatshisname is actually at BB camp with 30th choice keeper Dougie who is thankfully back from Mexico in one piece”, announced Club Committee man Christopher Biggins who had Paul, Dale, Cilla and new best friend, the big one off Westlife with him.
“Well, let’s hope they have a good time and nothing untoward happens while they are away roaming in the gloaming”, said Doctor Kuntz who had started his “medicine” early for a Sunday.
Also absent were the Dick Brothers, along with Craig who defected to the other side, Foxy who was in plaster, Sir Stevie who can turn up any time he likes and The Great Marzinho who was canvassing for his beloved Conservative and Unionist Party in Allison Street.
“It’s a good job we’ve got such strength in depth”, said Club Kit Man Old Reg Winkerman as Calmac, Jason, Ciaran and Mad Boab trooped in.
“At least you’ve got a sense of humour”, said Mister C.
It looked like we had a squad of fifteen but the dressing room door opened and in staggered our Arthur.
“Aw right guys, it’s okay am here.”
“If you don’t mind me saying”, said a very chatty Jason, “you’re looking a wee bit dishevelled, your clothes smell of petrol and why are your beautiful flowing locks burnt at the front ?”
“They’re no burnt, aw right, I’m just trying to add a bit o colour to ma hair.
“And that’s no petrol, that’s lighter fuel, I was huving a wee fly smoke with Old Reg ootside to calm ma nerves.”
“Okay, perfectly plausible to me”, said Jason.
“I think there’s more to this than meets the eye”, said a surprisingly suspicious Slide Tackle Stu but, as ever, we ignored him.
“Okay, here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for”, said Mister C.
“What, are you resigning ?”, laughed Mister Joyce as the dressing room went into hysterics.
“No, I’m not and I expect to be signing a new contract today after we win easily.”
There was an uneasy quiet around the dressing room as they took in this piece of information the silence only being broken by the sound of Arthur opening a can of Stella.
“Anyway, here is today’s team. Safehands you’re in goal today on merit as the Chuckle Brothers have gone to Castlemilk by mistake.
“The back four is really, really strong as we have Arthur and Wee Al at full backs and Uncle Crossers and Stu in the centre.
“In midfield we have Gary and Sean wide with Craig and Andy Dick Brother in the centre and up front Mister Joyce and Weewhatshisname.”
“But Boss, we don’t have Craig, Andy Dick Brother or Weewhatshisname available today” said Ciaran.
“Hmm, well, give me a minute to think of a Plan B.”
At that Mister C left the dressing room and, after fighting his way through a host of kids in the corridor, found his way to the Club Coach where Club President Lord Drennan was asleep in the front seat.
“Your Lordship, and Legendary Goalscorer, what would you do in this difficult situation ?”
“Well…………eh………….I’ve got my boots with me if that’s any help……..eh”, said the Legend that is Lord Drennan before he dozed off again.
There was nothing else for it, and Mister C brought out the Club Tombola Machine (no relation) and put the remaining player’s names in and turned the handle.
After five unsuccessful results Mister C was finally satisfied he had the right eleven and went back to the dressing room to announce the team.
“Okay, I’ve thought long and hard about the team and I think that Phil and Neilly will be an excellent combination in the centre of midfield and LHD, although generally a second half player, can do us a job up front, good luck and may the best team win.”
The team burst down the tunnel singing, “sacked in the morning” and the sun was splitting the skies for this massively important game.
It was windy however and, with Safehands in goals, that could be a problem for us.
It didn’t start that way though as we grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck and created an early chance for LHD but the NHS keeper made a good stop.
Our previous game against the NHS had resulted in a defeat, mainly due to their keeper being on top form, and he again looked solid behind a shaky defence.
Most of our silky soccer was being played down our right as Gary Neville was in fine form as he continually took on the left back and beat him for skill and pace.
Unfortunately the final ball, from all the team, was not the best and all our pressure wasn’t creating any chances.
At the other end the defence was coping well although Safehands did have a rush of blood to the head and burst out of his area which only meant the goal was more secure.
A few corners for us came to nothing other than a vain shout for a penalty from Mister Joyce which was brushed away by the unfussy referee,
An injury to LHD set us back (!) when he stayed down under a challenge and Doctor Kuntz raced on to state that the long haired one would likely never walk again.
Luckily it was just a bruise to his shoulder and he walked off to be replaced by Andy Boy to the delight of his own personal “Burger Army”.
An entertaining half ended goalless and now it was time for us to play our jokers, or Mad Boab and Calmac as they are known in footballing circles.
“A great first half, team, and we have this game in the bag especially as Jason and Ciaran are going to replace the very effective Phil and Neilly.
“Arthur and Sean are also coming off so could somebody get Gary out of the shower as, for once, he’s staying on as he’s so good today, although he’s still not as gorgeous as his brother.
“With LHD recovered and ready to come back on there is no way we‘ll lose.”
The second half started with the same pattern with the majority of possession being ours.
NHS weren't out of it though and they had some strong players, and Craig, further up the field.
Gary had moved to the left, to play the second half "Marzinho" role but he was playing it well unlike the floppy haired posh boy.
Safehands hadn't had much to do, which meant he could catch up with writing some of his catchy songs for The Petting Zoo, but sadly he got called into action on the hour mark.
A high ball down our right saw Calmac bundled off the ball but the new unfussy referee never saw an imaginary foul.
The ball got played into the middle of the park to our Craig and, despite the attentions of Uncle Crossers, he got a shot in at goal from about thirty yards.
Shouldn't have been a problem but........it was a high shot and we all know what happens with them.
No sooner had the ball gone up in the air than our team had set themselves up for the inevitable restart.
A goal down and desperate measures were required and they don't get any more desperate than LHD coming back on for Mister Joyce.
We were still the better side but the NHS keeper was dealing easily with any efforts on goal, generally from long range.
Calmac was the next to come off, knackered, and Arthur staggered back on at right back.
Our veteran fool back got straight into the action as he swung over a perfect corner for Stu's head but one of our lot got in the way (probably Ciaran or Jason).
Such was our attacking prowess than even Wee Al had a shot on target, a high one, but the keeper saved it (it would have made it 2-0 at the other end).
Time was running out and LHD managed to break free but he delayed his shot and the keeper got down to save.
From the resultant corner everybody pushed into the area and Arthur's cross was knocked out to Uncle Crossers but his "attempt" went out the ground.
The final whistle blew and NHS were victorious again despite all our efforts.
"Well played guys, an excellent effort and with a wee bit of luck we could have won that game", were Mister C's encouraging words after the game.
Nobody was listening, as ever, as LHD was organising a sweep on the new Manager.
But, are changes required ? Would the return of Dougie make a difference ? Can we get smaller goals for Safehands to defend ? Would anybody really want the poisoned chalice ? Does Andy Boy prefer his burgers with onions or without ? Did Gary Neville really play a whole game and win Player of the Day ?
All these, and most likely other random questions, won't be answered the next time....