MATCH REPORT

 

Saturday 5th March 2011 v Bully Wee United

at Barlia Sports Centre  1-4 (1-2)

Martin Kelly, Calum Colquhoun (Robert Shimmons), Allan MacKenzie, Stephen McGilp, Stuart Waugh, Adam Walker, Andy Dick (c) (John Crosbie), Craig McKenna (Paul Joyce), Jack Waugh, Ally Dick and Sean Connolly (Ally McNaught)

As regular readers will know, controversy is never far away from our Club and a midweek game brought us back onto the front pages again.

 It was incidents at a reserve match which caused all the problems as our “Duds”, as they are affectionately known, took on Wee Jeanie McTavish’s Tea Shop XI at Fortress Holyrood.

 The final score was 9-7 to Wee Jeanie McTavish’s Tea Shop XI, the Duds seventy fifth consecutive defeat, but the score was the least of our worries as the on, and off, field behaviour of both sides left a lot to be desired.

 Veteran referee Dickie “Harold” Bird struggled to control a game which always looked like getting out of hand and he ended up booking 21 players and sending off three, all from our team I’m sorry to report.

 Two yellow cards for Mental Michael and Gordon McCallum saw them banished for an early bath (not at the same time I’m glad to report) then Andy Boy was dismissed after the final whistle for foul and abusive language to Referee Bird.

 To make matters worse, in a clear show of defiance, Andy Boy refused to leave the field of play and threw his jersey into the crowd, Bob and Bert McGuinness, their son Cowell and sausage dog Louie.

 Unfortunately the emergency services had to be called to free Bob, Bert and Cowell as they got tangled up in the massive shirt whilst Louie made a run for it after being startled, and is still missing despite an extensive police search.

 

If that wasn’t bad enough Mister C went toe to toe with Wee Jeanie McTavish’s Tea Shop XI’s controversial manager, Rosemary Robertson, at full time after he took exception to some of the abuse that Miss Robertson had been dishing out to our Duds. 

This was only half the story though as our notorious “Wanchope Train Spotters”, led by the uncompromising “Slightly Less Fat Than Usual Due To An Unfortunate Case Of Diabetes Martin”, chased the Wee Jeanie McTavish’s Tea Shop XI’s support through the streets of Strathbungo causing mayhem and distress to all those who got in the way.

 Due to most of the police force being deployed to look for Louie the sausage dog, there was only one arrest, for lewd and drunken behaviour and a report has been sent to the Procurator Fiscal, about Arthur.

 As ever we were in the spotlight for the wrong reasons and the Berneray Bugle, known locally as the “Daily McTavish”, delighted in dishing out the dirt on our proud Club once again.

 It had meant to be a night of celebration as Kirk Douglas made his long awaited comeback and scored two of our goals but poor old Kirk’s achievement got forgotten about in the aftermath of “The Night That Shamed Football”.

 Also on the scoresheet were Bernard Cribbens, Christopher Lee, Charlie Sheen (penalty), Gary Neville and former MP Jim Devine, in his last game for a wee while.

 At the other end, 17th choice keeper Zsa Zsa Gabor saved two penalties but her distribution still isn’t good enough for her to be considered for the First Team.

 Amongst all the mayhem and madness there was a moment which summed up the beautiful side of the Beautiful Game.

 The Wee Jeanie McTavish’s Tea Shop XI had inadvertently scored a goal after we had put the ball out of play as veteran wing back Old Doris had gone down injured clutching her chest (she later died in hospital, funeral a week on Thursday, no flowers just pastries).

 In the one sporting moment of the game it was decided that we should be allowed to score a goal to even things up so the Wee Jeanie McTavish’s Tea Shop XI all stood by as we took kick off.

 Unfortunately the honour of scoring the goal was given to Phil Neville and he took the ball forward towards the open goal but blazed his shot over the bar and onto the road.

 There was laughter from all those present, apart from Gary Neville who was distraught, but the miss had even more unfortunate consequences for three young boys outside the ground.

 Three of our 8 year old orphaned Indian work experience boys, who help out in the Club Sweat Shop, were sent to retrieve the ball but unfortunately they were run over by a snowplough, which the Council had belatedly purchased in preparation for a barbecue summer.

 Thankfully the story has a happy ending though as Club Shop Manager, Gerald Ratner, was able to get rid of some out of date stock as a black and white shrine was created where the boys fell.

 Gerald also used his all his business acumen to get the Club Sweat Shop to make some tasteless Club Crested Wreaths ($84 a go, $85 with signed team photo) and they went like hot cakes.

 There was also interest in the story from satellite TV company, Watch +1 and Club Treasurer Sir Shred Goodwin sold the story for a pretty packet (or enough so he could book a round the world cruise for him and his family).

 Luckily Sir Shred managed to persuade two out of work actors in India to play the part of the orphans aunt and uncle and the documentary, “You Tikka the Holy Rood” can be seen at 5.35am next Sunday morning.

 A happy ending at last but the consequences of the game, or “The Bun Fight At The Holyrood Coral”, weren’t going to go away that easily as we discovered at Friday’s press conference.

 In a packed Lord Drennan Jubilee Banquet Hall, two miles from Fortress Holyrood, the press eagerly awaited the chance to grill Mister C after his antics.

 But it wasn’t to be, as a familiar face stepped forward to the microphone.

 “Ladies and gentlemen of the pwess, I am Jonathan Woss and I will be taking the pwess conference today as Mistew C isn’t man enough to talk about his actions in pewson.

 

“I have a statement which Mistew C has pwepawed and asked me to wead out to you.

 “I wealise that the incidents that happened against Wee Jeanie McTavish’s Tea Shop XI wank as some of the wowst in ouw pwoud histowy but they stawted it, it’s all theiw fault and none of the blame should lie with us”.

 Meanwhile at the back of the Lord Drennan Jubilee Banquet Hall the Neville Brothers were listening in on the pwess, sorry, press conference.

 “Gorgeous Phil, did megastar Jonathan Ross just say a bad word there ?”, asked Gary.

 “Yes, it’s a speech impediment”, replied Phil.

 “Never heard it called that before”, said a confused Gary.

 TV’s Jonathan Ross continued, “all through the game Miss Wosemawy Wobewtson (pictured below) was giving our sweepew Wonnie Cowbett abuse about his showt comings and I felt that I had to take a stand at the end of the game to defend my playews.

 

“Wonnie has a showt fuse at the best of the time but it’s too his cwedit that he nevew weacted to all the abuse.

 “Miss Wosemawy Wobertson……….”, said Wossy but he looked puzzled and asked for a minute to compose himself.

 “Okay, enough of this farce, I can’t keep up the speech impediment any more and I only put it on to give me a quirk as I knew I wouldn’t get any work in television due to my lack of talent.

 “Please don’t report this otherwise my career as a broadcaster is over, despite getting away with all sort of nonsense over the years”.

 It was a cry for help that touched the heart of even the hardest of drink soaked hacks.

 Well, it didn’t really as all the reporters forgot about the press conference and immediately wired a story to the editors about “Wossy being able to roll his R’s”.

 Despite the lack of interest Jonathan continued with Mister C’s statement.

 “Miss Rosemary Robertson used to be a friend of mine but her behaviour the other night has left me ever so furious.

 “Although we consumed six bottles of red wine after the game and then went to an all night club, Rosemary and I are still sworn enemies and will not be seen in public together unless the press pay us enough money for a photo opportunity.

 “As for Andy Boy, he knows what he did was wrong, although Referee Bird has always had an agenda against The Duds, and he has been fined the maximum amount, 50% of his lunchtime burger vouchers from Burger King.

 “I hope that this matter can now be closed, despite the police intervention, summit meeting at Holyrood Sports Centre with Alex Salmond and endless radio phone ins and column inches as there is nothing else happening in football as nobody apparently wants to read about the diddy teams.

 “All our focus is on the big game against Bully Wee United at the neutral venue of Barlia Sports Centre, as we are forced to play away from Fortress Holyrood due to there being no access to the ground due to the size of the shrine to the three Indian orphans.

 “I look forward to seeing you there although I’ll still be refusing to speak to you in case you ask me any hard questions. Thank you”.

 As quickly as he appeared Jonathan sped from the podium stopping only to inform Club Masseuse Miss Busty Maine that he had important business to take care of as someone had kindly given him Old Reg Winkerman’s phone number and he was going to give the elderly Club Kit Man an abusive call just for the fun of it.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Unusually we were playing on a Saturday morning as Zee TV was paying for a live broadcast as the Reverend Fitzy was again officiating.

 There was disappointment for the TV audience though as third rate, sorry, choice keeper Dougie was unavailable as he was away with his chum Nando looking at bedroom furniture and fluffed up cushions.

 Also missing were LHD and Arthur [which means this report is not quite as long as it could be (!) but stories about them will be held over to a later date] and we were also without the services of Neilly who was helping Mister Buffo at a children’s party.

 Marzinho was also absent, in a boost for Queen’s, as he was canvassing in the Tory stronghold of Easterhouse.

 Luckily we were able to call on the services of Craig, Uncle Crossers, Ally D and………… one of our all time Legends.

 The team coach wound its way up the hill to the picturesque village of Castlemilk and a large crowd had gathered outside the stadium to try and catch a glimpse of their heroes.

 But there was only one person the crowd had come to see and that was All Time Club Legend Sir Stephen McGilp of Cumbernauld.

 Sir Stevie’s security detail were first off the bus and once they gave the all clear the Legend made his appearance.

 The crowd went berserk, screaming and shouting and trying to touch the Legend but the security men held the crowd back.

 The rest of the squad had had to make their own way to the game and they were held up in traffic as the Bully Wee fans clogged up the road with their caravans.

 

The Bully Wee fans had come out in force and most of them had set up stalls outside the ground.

  I was lucky enough to get 50 clothes pegs for a fiver and three lucky sprigs of heather from some strange looking women so a good start to the day.

 The impressive Barlia Complex wasn’t quite ready for a game of this magnitude and our squad were forced to squeeze into a small dressing room to get changed.

 Everybody had to breathe in as Match Commander, Sgt William Mason came in to lecture the squad about their behaviour and conduct.

 Unfortunately everybody was too busy listening to the audio version of Uncle Crossers new joke book, “Shampain !”,  the follow up to “Assholes”, on their personal cassette players.

An example of one of the jokes in the book is - a gay guy walks into a butchers and asks, “can I have a mince round ?” The butcher replies, “yes, but you better be quick as I close in five minutes”.

 Other homophobic, and some mildly racist  jokes can be found in the book which is being exclusively sold in Mister Singh’s All Night Supermarket’s throughout the city, price $99.

 No such problem for Sir Stevie though who had a large room to himself, along with his Private Secretary, Aubergine Fullarton-Smythe, his two Ladies in Waiting, the MacPhail sisters Isobel and Isadora and three footmen, the McSorley triplets, Jake, Jack and Jock.

 It was great to see Sir Stevie back playing again and he was recently voted The Best Player Ever To Play For Us in a random door to door poll in a street in Cambuslang.

 The walk to the pitch is a long one so four of the squad, the subs, were instructed to take an end of Sir Stevie’s sedan chair so he didn’t have to use up any unnecessary energy before the big game.

 For the big game Mister C had ditched the three at the back in favour of a more conventional four and, with Safehands in goals due to lack of decent alternatives although, if I may, I’ll digress for a second.

 Sir Stevie once played in goals and will always be remembered for his amazing triple save against Dumbarton away, not the famous Drennan Game but always known as the Sir Stevie Game.

 It’s not often you get someone as accomplished as Sir Stevie who can excel in every position on the pitch, and we certainly don’t have anyone near his ability nowadays.

 To be honest though, I personally don’t see what all the fuss is about regarding Sir Stevie as I always thought that Colin “Shep” Shepherd was a better player and had funnier hair

 Anyway, the defence was Phil and Wee Al at full back with Sir Stevie, what a player, at sweeper behind Young Stuart.

 In midfield were Wee Whatshisname, Sean, Andy D and Craig with Ally D and Jaaack up front.

 Sorry, Jaaack up front ? Mister C really is a mad man.

 On the bench were Uncle Crossers, Mad Boab, Paul and Gary who at last got the chance to play a second half for the team.

 Unfortunately the kick off was delayed for twenty minutes as the Bully Wee United team argued with Reverend Fitzy about whether the coin had come down heads or tails.

 Thankfully The Rev managed to get things under control once he had thrown the book at the Bully Wee team.

 Unfortunately it was The Rev’s Laws Of The Game book, King James’ Version, and it struck the Bully Wee captain on the middle of the forehead and he had to be stretchered off.

 The delay had luckily given Doctor Kuntz the chance to distribute needles to some of the local support, who had congregated in the Junkie End, much to their delight (another one of the reasons why he had had his licence revoked in 1985).

 But finally we were good to go in the hazy sunshine and on a beautiful surface.

 It took us a while to get going, apart from Sir Stevie who was majestic at the back, but we’d made it to the twenty minute mark with little or no problems for Safehands.

 Well, he did have a problem as one of the Bully Wee supporters had let his whippet off the leash and Safehands, rooted to the spot as usual, discovered a warm feeling he’d rather not have.

 Luckily our Club Dog Warden, Steve Woodhouse, came on to the field and coaxed the relieved dog off the pitch.

 Unfortunately this broke Safehands concentration, doesn’t take much, and Bully Wee nipped in to score the opening goal.

 A second followed soon after and we were staring down the barrel but thankfully Sgt Mason took the air rifle off Mad Boab and we could all relax.

  Can I just say at this point that neither of the goals were the fault of Sir Stevie who was playing immaculately at the back.

 We could have capitulated but fought our way back into the game with some neat passing.

 We’d made a change in the middle of the park as Craig had hurt his knee, the wee lamb, and Paul came on to play in his favourite position.

 Up front Jaaack was playing like a man who’d been a keeper for twenty years but Wee Whatshisname was starting to cause problems to the opposition defence.

 The wee guy’s pace was working in our favour and he dispossessed a defender before trying his luck with a shot from distance.

 The ball headed straight to the Bully Wee keeper, Marton Keilly, who fumbled the shot and it went into the net to put us back into the game.

 How we rejoiced as the team ran to congratulate Marton in the Bully Wee goals, as Wee Whatshisname sulked back to the halfway line.

 We were in the ascendancy now and played out the first half in the Bully Wee half although we were struggling to create chances.

 Two one behind at the interval and Club masseuse Busty Maine gave Sir Stevie a rub down in his exclusive dressing room as he was served with a cup of tea in a china cup by his Ladies in Waiting whilst Mister C pondered the half time changes.

 He had important decisions to make and he announced, “right Arthur and Gary are coming off to be replaced by Mad Boab and Uncle Crossers”.

 “Boss”, said Phil, “my brother Gary wasn’t on in the first half and neither was poor old Arthur”.

 “But, I don’t know what to do now”, said Mister C as he swigged from his bottle of Robinson Barley Water (5% orange, 95% vodka).

 “I’ll sort it out”, said Mister Joyce, who occasionally pretends he’s the Assistant Manager, “Phil, Andy D and Sean can come off and Uncle Crossers, Mad Boab and Gary can all come on, simples”.

 “Okay, we’ll go with that. Someone go and knock Sir Stevie’s dressing room door and see if he’s ready for the second half”, said Mister C suddenly thinking he was in charge again.

 Out the teams came and we started the half well as we again played some nice football and caused a few problems to the Bully Wee defence.

 Ally D had a great chance to score when he beat the offside trap (despite eleven hands in the air from the opposition) but the keeper made a save low down to thwart him.

 Young Stu was even having a good game (first one since, eh, hmm, ehm, can’t remember) and he was doing what all good centre halves do, striding forward at every opportunity.

 Of course, he had Sir Stevie as a partner in central defence so there were no worries about going forward for a change.

 Stu even looked dangerous at corners, our corners, and he headed wide when it seemed like he must score.

 The way the game was going there was only one winner and it was Bully Wee who scored two more goals to almost make them happy.

 They could have increased their lead if Uncle Crossers hadn’t made a superb last ditch tackle on the edge of the area.

 Uncle Crossers even injured himself in the process and had to limp off with Andy D coming back on in his place.

Another player who nearly picked up an injury was Safehands who did well to come out and win the ball as a forward bore down on goal.

 Unfortunately the Bully Wee forward took all the brunt of eight stone Safehands bulk and nearly couldn’t continue until he saw that he didn’t get a foul and got back up.

 The game ended in disappointment for us, and a predictable defeat, but we’d played well on a superb surface and passed the ball about well for a change.

 Everybody contributed to the performance and they were inspired by the leaflet that Marzinho left for the team, “We’re All In This Together”.

 Sir Stevie, of course, had been outstanding and Mister C had some words to say to the Legend once his entourage had pampered him after the game.

 “Sir Stevie”, said Mister C, as he bowed to the Legend, “you were a not bad player a few years back but we lost four goals today so you really didn’t make much difference to the team at all.

 “I know it’s difficult coming into the team when you were used to playing alongside class full backs such as CG Machine and myself, back in the day, and what days they were (ED: not just now please), but if I want a centre half who ships goals I’ll get Calmac back in the team.

 “I don’t know who it was who thought you were a good player but they’ve obviously lost their marbles and wouldn’t know a good player if they saw one”.

 “Boss, boss, we know who it was that said he was the Best Player That Had Ever Played For The Team”, said the Neville Brothers in unison.

 Unfortunately, for reasons of space, we aren’t able to publish what the Neville Brothers said after that but maybe some other time.

 ~~~~~~~~~

 Finally, back to the Social Club for some hot dogs (thanks again to Mrs C) and then onto big Hampden to see Queen’s hammer Clyde 4-0. Always like a happy ending !!

 

 

 

 

 

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