MATCH REPORT

 

Sunday 5th October 2014

Friendly v Scottish Power at Holyrood Sports Centre

6-1 (3-0)

 

David Stewart; Robert Shimmons, Ally McNaught (c), John Crosbie (Andy McNaught), Allan Lennox; Gary Duncan, Craig McKenna, Graeme McQuarrie (David Blair); Fraser Anderson, Raymond Ford, Scott Macrae

 

All seemed well as we turned up at the Fortress on the back of four successive victories. However, when we saw the Sunday papers we knew that problems were just around the corner.

 

The Sunday Post had an exclusive extract from a book that threatens to destroy all the good work that is currently being done at the Club. The book, “A Goat’s Tail”, has been written by footballing magician Scott Kilpatrick and blows open all the secrets of the dressing room.

 

Sadly Scott has held a grudge against the Club since he was recently told to go and get his haircut because we had enough central midfielders in the squad. As Scott explained, “I like my hair like this”.

 

The newspapers exclusive extracts included:-

 

JINGS !! - Andy Boss had a massive argument with star striker Sebo after he refused to come back to defend every time the opposition got the ball

 

CRIVENS !! - The Boss also spends at least an hour before games standing in front of a mirror sorting his hair whilst the team desperately wait to find out who is playing

 

HELP MA BOAB !!- midfield starlets Gary Duncan and Craig McKenna are Amish and refuse to socialise after games because the JB Pavilion has a telly, which shows all manner of top class football from the Middle East whilst everybody else is enjoying the Best League In the World

 

WHIT !! – Regular central defenders Lenny and Gee haven’t spoken to each other for three years over an unfortunate incident on holiday which is currently the subject of a really Super Injunction

 

YOU’RE JOKING !! - multi-talented full back Boab Shimmons does have an alarm clock but refuses to use it in strict defiance of Club Rules

 

THOUGHT SO !! David Stewart has an artificial arm which he has kept secret from the Boss, but not the defence

 

UNBELIEVABLE JEFF !! Sean Connolly has moved away to the countryside as he loves sheep [we all knew that one already].

 

These revelations cast a shadow over the Club and show the clear disharmony that exists in the dressing room. Luckily there was no mention of the late night drinking or people turning up at games in no fit state to play.

 

There was no sign of Mr Kilpatrick at the Fortress as people digested the revelations, and LHD digested a Big Mac and fries (“The Breakfast of Champions”), and there was a very flat and stale atmosphere in the dressing room before the game against Scottish Power.

 

Injuries, work and holidays continue to take their toll on the squad and a debutant, Fraser Anderson, was drafted in to the starting eleven with LHD, just finishing off a McFlurry and chocolate cookie [other fast food outlets are available], and the Boss on the bench.

 

Scottish Power were victorious the last time we met and they had a familiar look about their squad so we knew we were in for a hard game.

 

On the back of our previous performances we started well and it only took us ten minutes or so to go ahead. Ray, back in the team for the first time for a while, did well down the right and crossed for lookalike Graeme to score for the fifth game in a row. Not a bad effort for someone who had completed a 10k run in the morning.

 

Graeme came close again when his shot from outside the box was touched round the post by the keeper’s foot. Then stand in skipper Ally played a superb through ball to Fraser but his first time shot went wide.

 

Ray and Graeme were linking up well on the right and from another move they set up Gary who fired in a low shot which squirmed under the Power keeper’s body.

 

Our own keeper was brought into action when an opponent got through on goal but David got down well to save.

 

Craig then saw a header come off the bar from a corner but, although having the bulk of the play, we fell out of things.

 

However, with the referee checking his watch, we got an all-important third goal. More good work on the right hand side saw Graeme burst into the area and he squared to Sebo who finished in the corner.

 

LHD was unleashed at the break and Graeme got a well-deserved rest after his efforts.

 

Scottish Power had fourteen in their squad and were swapping players round every ten minutes or so and they appeared to have found the right combination at the start of the second half as they pulled a goal back. Grandpa Crossers seemed to have got a through ball covered but stubbed his toe and an opponent ran on to score. Naturally Paw started limping and Andy Boss got ready to come on but the Auld Yin was okay so panic averted.

 

The rain and wind were sweeping across the Fortress and Power had another effort at goal which David tipped onto the bar.

 

At the other end the SP keeper tipped a lobbed shot onto the bar as well and it was from Boab of all people. As the team stood aghast our right back shouted, “I meant it”. Not sure about that.

 

Craig was outstanding in our midfield and he played a great pass to Ray who neatly headed the ball over the outrushing keeper and we had our fourth goal.

 

Of course one of Craig’s trademarks is a full bifter shot from any old range and eventually he got one on target which the keeper blocked but Sebo was in perfect position to knock in the rebound for number five.

 

Crossers and Boab were then subbed with Graeme and The Boss going on and this immediately made a difference and caused some controversy.

 

Ally swung over a corner and Andy Boss got his head to the ball but it

was deflected off about three different defenders before finding the back of the net. Naturally the Boss claimed it but that wasn’t the controversy.

 

The DLF (Diet Lilt Firm), who are the radical wing of our support, immediately invaded the pitch to celebrate with the Boss (“don’t touch my hair”) and this has caused a stooshie of proportions which are too big to put into a category.

 

Our Health and Safety (gone mad)/Fire Safety/First Aider head honcho, Sadie Stern (Miss) was pure furious and demanded to know the names of the invaders, despite them all having photo ID season tickets and their names on the back of their replica tops.  

 

Miss Stern has stated that this could get The Fortress shut down, which sadly raised a cheer in the dressing rooms after the game, but the problem may be solved if she gets the names of the intruders.

 

So, if you have any information on the people who have sullied the name of the Club by joining in the celebrations with Andy Boss, and shook hands with the three defenders who also claimed the goal, then phone our confidential Shop A Supporter Hot Line on 0845 678 9999 (calls are charged at £10 per minute and please ask the bill payer for permission to use their phone if they have inadvertently left it lying about the house or pub). The best calls will be published and a prize given.

 

So, back to the game, and the final whistle went and we had put in another impressive performance and scored six goals.

 

Thanks to Scottish Power for the game and to Mark and the two Tonys for coming back to the JB Pavilion afterwards.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Sammy Sherbet of No Fixed Abode has voluntary come forward to say that he was on the Fortress pitch. In Sammy’s defence he has said that as an alcoholic, who refuses to recover, the strong wind had blown him over the touchline as he is generally a wee bit unsteady on his feet. Sentence will be passed in a week’s time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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