MATCH REPORT

 

Sunday 6th February v Ormond Saints

 at Holyrood Sports Centre 3-3 (1-2)

 Martin Kelly, Stuart Waugh, Allan MacKenzie (Robert Shimmons), Calum Colquhoun, Arthur McCue (Neil Skinner), Paul Joyce (c) (Craig McKenna), Andy Dick, Ally McNaught (Fraser Marr), Paul Stormonth, Adam Walker and Sean Connolly (David Blair)

Our old foes Ormond Saints were our visitors to Fortress Holyrood for a One For The Road League game (the League that time forgot).

This meant heartache for one of our players as eighth choice net minder Dougie was declared mentally unfit as it was felt the excitement of meeting some of the more flamboyant of the Saints squad (Fernie and Cal) would be too much for The Tanned One.

Zillionaire owner, JW Doppelganger III was back with us and sent Dougie to his exclusive mansion in the quiet village of Ayia Napa as compensation.

Luckily there was room for Dougie’s South American companion Nando so he wouldn’t be lonely.

So, JW was back and so were the Committee after their extended holiday.

It was good to see Chrissie Biggins, Cilla, Dale and Paul again although they were disappointed that Dougie was unavailable as they had heard so much about him.

The transfer window had closed for another year and JW had made some money available to Mister C so he could bolster the squad.

At a packed press conference in the Logie Taylor Conference Suite Mister C took to the stage to announce his new signing.

“Ladies and gentleman I’d like to introduce a man who will make things happen at this Club and be an inspiration to the younger players. Please welcome Wullie “Dunky” Duncan” (below). 

  

There was a shocked silence as even the withered old hacks shook their heads in amazement.

It took Freddie Ferrango of the Barra Bugle to ask the question on everybody’s lips, “Mister C, is this a long term signing as Dunky must be about 87”.

“Wullie is only 86, and 300 days, and there is no substitute for experience. He has survived the worst winter that anybody can remember and still has at least two of his own teeth”.

“I appreciate that he won’t be around for ever, and Doctor Kuntz reckons two months tops, but nobody can read a game better”.

 “And he’ll be company for Arthur at away games due to his chronic alcohol problem which has necessitated three liver transplants”.

“This is not a panic signing, even although I realise that we haven’t won since the last time we played Calders, and he will be good to have around the squad when he’s awake and fully coherent, generally in the mornings”.

At this point Biggins stepped in to say that the Committee had 100% faith in Mister C which sent the hacks away to make up stories about who his successor would be.

Some of the home fans were outraged and the right wing “Wanchope Train Spotters”, led by the uncompromising “Slightly Less Fat Than Usual Due To An Unfortunate Case Of Diabetes Martin”, staged a protest outside the ground.

With banners saying, “No Oldies Here”, “Give Youth A Chance” and ”Marzinho For Egyptian President” they made their feelings known.

Unfortunately the away support arrived early and the notorious, “Pink Army” from Perth got caught up in the protest and a fight developed.

There were numerous people injured, ranging from broken fingernails to ripped nylons, but on the plus side there were reports of fourteen steady relationships being formed and twelve one night stands.

 

Some of the Perth Pink Arny.

From left; Big Jim, Frankie, Fudd, Boaby, Jackie and Ken

 

 

 

Back at the football there was an air of tension, and desperation, in the home dressing room.

“Right good news and bad news. Danny isn’t available today but the bad news is neither is Jason”, announced Mister C.

“Luckily we have Dunky and he will slot right into a back three along with Stuart and Wee Al and……..”

“Boss”, interrupted Doctor Kuntz, “I’m afraid Dunky has just passed away after I administered too strong a dose of valium to calm his nerves”.

“These things happen I suppose”, continued Doctor Kuntz, “and could happen to anybody”.

[This was the twenty seventh such incident Doctor Kuntz had been involved in his chequered career in medicine].

“Well that’s upset the plans. I suppose we’ll just play two at the back  but, wait, Phil Neville can slot in there seeing there’s nobody else”, said Mister C.

“We’ll play five in the midfield with Sean and Gary Neville wide and Paul, Andy D and Arthur in the middle. Up front will be Jazza and whatshisname”.

“That just leaves the goalkeeper. As there’s still no sign of Abu Hamza or Raymondo Martinez, Safehands can fill in until one or t’other gets here”.

“Our recent record against Saintees is terrible so the most important thing is we get the monkey off our back. Any chance Buffo ?”

At that Club Clown Mister Buffo lifted Club Mascot Charlie The Chimp off Mister C’s shoulders……………..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saintees, who can only win against us, had a brand new signing in their ranks, the notorious Kenneth Braw who had caused trouble wherever he went.

There was a chorus of boos from the home support as Ken came out for his warm up and this goes back to a horrific incident a few years earlier.

As “Slightly Less Fat Than Usual Due To An Unfortunate Case Of Diabetes Martin” explained.

“He’ll never be forgiven for spilling Arthur’s Guinness in the Social Club ten years ago. There is no bigger crime in football than that, not even two footed challenges that end player’s careers.”

“The guy is scum and gets all the abuse he deserves, except if he was playing for us in which case he’d be a hero”.

Luckily Braw was available as Saintees had problems with half their squad staying in Perth to watch the opening of “Brokeback Mountain” which the North Muirton Dramatic Society were performing at the local community hall (the church hall being unavailable for ethical reasons).

To help Saintees out Uncle Crossers volunteered to play for them which meant we didn’t have a reserve keeper as Lionel Blair was stuck in traffic.

With all the disruption to the opposition it was vital that we started off well, but we didn’t.

The game hadn’t long begun before Saintees took the lead when we failed to mark at a corner and Stuart McDonald had a free header and he made no mistake.

It looked like being one of those days but we hit back with a similar goal as veteran forward Jazza, only playing due to illness to Andy Boy, headed in an Arthur corner.

It’s not often Jazza scores with his head and I’m grateful to Club Statistician Augustine Monaco who tells me it’s only Jazza’s fourth headed goal out of his Club record 155.

Stats never lie and it shows the expert heading ability of our Legendary forward.

Jazza again showed his power in the air minutes later when he headed wide from another corner to keep up his impressive stats.

The madcap three at the back had proved its worth, as we were all over the place, and Phil Neville miskicked to let Cal in on goal and he made no mistake to make it 2-1.

To make amends Phil pushed forward and actually managed a shot on goal but keeper Fernie easily held the effort.

As everybody knows, and the newspapers and media keep reminding us, Phil has never scored for the team, despite being prolific in the back garden when he’s taking shots in at his brother Gary.

I’m sure he’ll score one day but what kind of goal celebration can we look forward to ?

Well, I can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Louie Spence of Pineapple Dance Studios, originally from Perth and a close personal friend of Cal and Fernie, has choreographed a routine for Phil to perform when he scores his first goal.

Clearly something to look forward to although the chances of it happening are about as likely as Andy Gray and Richard Keys ever getting another media job.

Back to the game, and Fernie kept Saintees ahead with a tremendous double save as he stopped a long range effort from Andy D then somehow blocked the rebound from Jazza (record with his feet, 72 goals out of 155, thanks Augustine).

It is a tribute to Fernie that he is so good in goals for someone who doesn’t look like a keeper. If only we could say the same about our misfits, no offence Raymondo.

Talking of misfits. A through ball saw Safehands bundled over by a big Saintee bully and there was concern on the sidelines as our brave net minder remained on the deck.

Luckily the St.John’s Ambulance had sent along four of their finest (a seven foot geek, an elderly gentleman with one leg shorter than the other, a forty two stone boy and a wee lassie) and they raced on to see if there was anything they could do.

With no back up keeper in the squad a call was put out over the public address system by Club DJ, Ex Radio 1 star DLT, for a volunteer.

It just so happens that one of the regular Wanchope Train Spotters used to play in goals and he made himself known to the stewards.

However, in the time it took for the four ambulance people to get on the pitch, Safehands made a miraculous recover although he did confess to “not feeling too clever”.

Coincidentally this was also a feeling he had had the previous evening at the QPSA Quiz Night in the Social Club.

Anyway, he said he would carry on so Sir Patrick Moore made his way back to his seat. Maybe next time Paddy.

It was breathless stuff, so Old Gav had to put on his oxygen mask, but it was still 2-1 to Saintees when the half time whistle blew.

Immediately on hearing the whistle Arthur and Gary Nev put on their tracksuit tops as they’d done their bit for the day, especially Arthur who hadn’t been playing in his usual position (Ed: can someone find out what it is and fill it in here).

There were more changes as LHD, Craig, Neil, Mad Boab and Marzinho all came on with Wee Al, Sean and Paul being replaced.

 Some wag in the crowd shouted, “I didn’t know Pyscho was playing till he came aff”, but that is extremely unkind on a player who never gives less than his best despite his bulk.

To accommodate the subs we went to a more traditional 4-4-2 and it seemed to work better for us and allowed wee whatshisname to move onto the left wing.

At the back Stu was doing what he does best but, once he got told to stop that, he started to put in his traditional slide tackles to good effect.

Incredibly we started to dominate the game (incredibly as Marzinho and Mad Boab were both playing) and we found a passing game that nobody knew we had.

Chances were sporadic though and our final ball was letting us down, as ever.

Fernie was under pressure but stood as tall as could without his traditional high heels.

At the other end Safehands was having a quiet half, which unfortunately he got a police caution for after the game for breaking the anti-drinking laws in a public place.

Time was running out and Mister C could see his P45 getting closer so it called for drastic measures.

“Any chance you could phone me a taxi”, Mister C asked Old Reg Winkerman the venerable Club Kit Man.

“But Mister C your taxi doesn’t normally arrive until shutting time on a Sunday…….”

Last roll of the dice and Sean got thrown on, Cal ran to help him up, for Phil as we went to a 3-2-5 formation.

Immediately the move paid dividends (50p, unless you’re in Dundee where it’s 6p in the pound) and Sean swung over a corner which Craig headed onto his knee and in.

Ya beauty, we were back level although the moment was spoiled as Craig celebrated by standing in front of Ken Braw in an intimidatory manner.

All Craig got for this was a big kiss on the lips and a lovely evening at the cinema.

We were in the ascendancy now and the wee guy on the left wing was working his magic, taught to him by Club Magician Ali Bingo at half time, and Old Gav was feeling the pace at right back.

The very old right back was on his second bottle of oxygen and it weighed him down as a through ball from Andy D found Billy Whizz, ken, and he ran on to shoot past Fernie to unbelievably put us ahead.

Cue scenes of celebration as everybody ran to Andy D to congratulate him on the pass.

At last we were going to beat Saintees and all we had to do was stay calm, not panic and the game was ours.......

With only a couple of minutes to go Saints went forward and the ball broke to Cal inside the area and he smashed a left foot shot past Safehands into the net for the equaliser.

Oh no, but even then we still had a chance when Andy D had space for a shot but it went straight to Jazza who wasn’t expecting it and the chance was lost.

The final whistle went and a draw was the result.

A hard fought encounter with plenty of football played and we enjoyed the better of the second half.

At least it breaks the sequence of defeats against Saintees and we picked up our first ever point in the prestigious One For The Road League, yee ha.

The Committee came down to congratulate the squad on a job well done and Biggins’ only regret was that Dunky couldn’t have played a part, especially as his life insurance had expired, like him.

With Ken Braw making his escape through a side entrance, the teams headed back to the Social Club for hospitality and a few energy drinks and low calorie hot dogs were consumed.

(A good day out and thanks to Old Gav and Dave for coming down the night before and taking part in the SA Quiz where they ended up in the winning team).

Player of the Day: Paul Stormonth

Meanwhile back in the dressing room and old Dunky was still stretched out on the treatment table as Anastaja and Henka, the Club Cleaners, were clearing up.

The two ladies let out a blood curdling scream as Old Dunky sat up and said, “I’m no deid at all, I was just having a snooze, what time’s the game ?”

Another successful diagnosis for Doctor Kuntz……………..

 

 

 

 

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