Saturday 18th September One For The Road League
v Troon at Torgylen Sports Centre 1-7 (0-2)
Martin Kelly, Calum Colquhoun (Robert Shimmons), Allan MacKenzie, Stephen Fox, Calum Stewart (Calum MacDonald), Ally McNaught (Fraser Marr), Andy Dick (Gordon McCallum), John Crosbie (Sean Connolly), Paul Joyce (c) (David Blair), Ally Dick and Adam Walker
An overcast Saturday morning in downtown Toryglen but that didn’t matter because we were going to play our first ever elevens game INDOORS !
This should have been a day of celebration but it started off badly as we were met by a posse of paparazzi outside the Sports Centre as they responded to yet more allegations about the team.
Apparently the Tobermory Star, a monthly rag, had printed an exclusive from a Senga McGroarty who had told of her exciting nights spent with one of our senior players at the cost of £20 a time.
Senga, a high class hooker (she’s never lost a scrum in four years of top flight rugby) refused to name the player but she described him as a man in his forties who had the look of Hugh Dallas about him.
The buzz about the team was that it was Arthur who was at the heart of the story, but this only proved that the story was a lie as I have spent many an evening with him, spent more than £20 and I would certainly never describe it as exciting.
However, we were forced to conceal Arthur under a blanket as we fought our way into Toryglen and he was gently left on the bench in the dressing room covered in the blanket as he slept off the previous night’s hangover.
So Arthur was unavailable for “personal” reasons, and we were also without Craig, Danny and Stuart through injury and illness. Stuart is suffering from a sprained wrist and alleges it is a football injury, oh well I’m sure that’s the case.
After quietly getting changed in the dressing room, so as not to disturb Arthur, we headed out onto the biggest indoor pitch in the South Side of Glasgow.
The pitch was so wide that you could hardly see from one touchline to another and it was as long as it was wide.
It would take a fit team to cope with this size of pitch and luckily Troon were our opponents and could show us how to do it.
The team was picked in usual 4-4-2 formation with Safehands, complete with new haircut, and not before time, in goals; CC and Wee Al at full back with Foxy and Tall Cal in the centre; Ally Mac and Adam on the wings with the experience of Andy D and Uncle Crossers in the centre (always good to have a lot of pace in the middle of the park); with Paul and Ally D up front.
Seeing as it was a special occasion I decided to take notes about the game as I am a stickler for accuracy.
If there are any mistakes it will be because I can’t read Stuart’s wonky handwriting as he was able to be my secretary for the day as well as being Assistant Manager but not ball boy as, for once, that job was redundant due to the location.
So here we go with the action with commentary from Slide Tackle Stu.
“Crossers halves someone.
Troon corner cleared off the line by Adam on the post.
Troon goal – number 11 space in midfield, shoots from range in top corner, Martin never far from controversy.
Half chance for Paul who finds space in the box but is closed down or something I can’t see that far.
Chance ! Al and Crossers play some nice passing from a throw in, Crossers squares to Ally D, Troon keeper saves low to his left.
Another chance ! Foxy whips a ball into the box and Ally D heads just wide. Queen’s are suddenly in this game.
Almost brilliant by Troon as a nice drag back sees their no.9 ghost past Foxy. Martin quick off his line and smothers the danger.
Chance again. Adam lays it off for a marauding Wee Al who squares for Ally D who forces another save from the keeper.
Troon goal. No.9 released one on one with Martin. He shots at Martin but the ball rolls under Martin and their man follows up to score.
Phew, what a half of football. Thanks Stuart, have a rest now.
Two goals behind but still in the game it was time for the substitutions and off came CC, Tall Cal, Paul, Andy D, Uncle Crossers and Ally Mac.
On came Robert, Marzinho, Sean (good to see you back), LHD,
For the benefit of those on the sidelines Robert and Marzinho were both sent to play on our right, or so far away we couldn’t see them.
There was also a strop when Andy Boy refused to stay and play the last fifteen minutes claiming the pitch was far too big and stormed away to the dressing room.
Five minutes later he emerged with six cans of Stella claiming they fell out of Arthur’s pocket.
Anyway, back to Stuart for the second half commentary.
“Troon injury. Queen’s fully expect seven minutes of injury time.
Troon shoot and force a save from Martin.
Troon goal. No.11 finds space on the right and crosses and the ball goes over Martin.
Calshie shot from range but it goes wide.
Troon score again. Disastrous from Queen’s, no.7 finds space in the box and dinks over Martin.
Troon with another chance. Mad amount of space in the box, there’s some crazy shots and, for some reason, Adam Walker is there to clear off the line.
Queen’s have a corner.
Troon goal, I missed it.
Troon goal, I can’t be arsed anymore.
[Big Cal off (on his way to the dressing room to throw up), Calshie off knackered and Ally D off. Tall Cal, Andy D and Paul all back on]
Holy shit ! We scored. Moments after Troon hit the bar LHD releases Paul who finishes low in the corner.
Hilarity as a Troon player calls for a “bit of honesty” as Adam keeps the ball in but Troon said the ball was away. I wasn’t aware I was the linesman.
Troon break after Martin flicks the hair out of his face when a free kick is put in.
Honest Joe fires wide.
Marr shoots. It says it all that that counts as an exciting moment in this half.
Here come the sympathy decision. Troon play a man through who is blatantly on. The scumbag liars on the QP bench think it was off though and the referee agrees.
Andy D plays a great ball to Paul who tries to bend it into the far corner but miskicks.
I missed it………...again.
Actually I saw the finish, which was good.
Andy D lines up a free kick………..[can’t read the writing but, and I know you can’t wait to find out, we never scored].
And that’s full time.
QP 1 Troon 7
Thanks Stuart, a very insightful report and it’s good to know that your journalist course is going well.
So we were well beaten in the end by a much improved Troon side who passed the ball better and looked a fitter side (both physically and aesthetically pleasing, or so Uncle Crosser told me).
The big pitch didn’t do us any favours and it was a disappointing performance and result in a game where we didn’t play well enough for long enough periods.
Back to the Club for hot dogs and pints then onto Big Hampden to watch Queen’s show how to play on a big pitch.
The night time was spent in the company of LHD as it was his last game before he goes on a three month exchange trip to the U S of A.
It should be a good experience for the long haired one and in return we are getting a new Native American forward, Running Bare, who unfortunately has an unfortunate habit of streaking during games.
Oh well, at least the attendances will go up and we’re guaranteed the presence of Uncle Crossers, and Danny, for the next three months.
A good night was had by all and it was only around midnight when someone enquired where Arthur was.
We had forgotten to take him with us when we’d left Toryglen and, as Andy Boy had stolen his medicine, we were worried about his health.
Not to worry though as he was spotted at 3am walking through the streets of Govanhill with a young lady (although the “lady” seemed to have a heavy growth) so at least he’s keeping out of trouble.
Player of the Day: Adam Walker
Arthur points the way