MATCH REPORT

 

 

Sunday 21st August v Troon at Holyrood Sports Centre

0-5 (0-3)

Stuart Waugh, Arthur McCue, Calum Colquhoun, John Crosbie, Gav McDonald, Ally McNaught, Craig McKenna, Sean Connolly, Paul Joyce (c), David Blair (Andy McNaught) and Danny McFarlane

After a break of three weeks our heroes were back in action with a game against Troon at Fortress Holyrood.

 New owner Mel Gibson had made his mark and, despite a 5-2 win against Calders, had decided that the team needed beefing up.

 At a packed press conference Mel announced that the Club had made a “Marquee Signing” which got The Teletubbies all excited as they enjoy spending a night under canvass.

 However, it wasn’t a tent Mel was announcing but the versatile Young Gav McDonald who had been signed to shore up the defence, midfield and forward line (“can he no play in goals ?”) and has the advantage of having his own car.

 But, what do we know about Young Gav ?

 Well, Young Gav Greaves Mullery Hoddle Perryman Gomes (recently changed by deed poll from “Rosenthal” in an effort to avoid upsetting Owner Mel) Roberts Crooks McDonald was born in the mining village of Copiapo in Chile , the youngest of 23 born to Ossie and Laney McDonald.

 

Although Young Gav’s 22 sisters all joined the family business “Mina Sustanivo” (Pit Ponies R’us), Ossie and Laney saw a sporting talent in their son and sent him to Santiago to join the Hesus (pronounced “Jesus” in Chile) McCue Soccer School.

 After a ten year apprentice Young Gav decided to seek out his hero Hesus and travelled to Bonnie Scotland.

 Young Gav’s first port of call was the industrial city of Letham, just outside Perth, where luckily his lack of English wasn’t a hindrance, ye ken.

 The story then took an unexpected turn when he accidentally bumped into Hesus who, because of his love of pancakes and crumpets, had made a trip to the Letham Flower Centre (as we all know, Hesus is dyslexic).

 After the meeting Hesus had no hesitation in recommending Young Gav to the Club and Owner Mel opened the purse strings so that a dream could finally be realised.

 It was a good bit of news in a troubled week around Fortress Holyrood as the local youngsters had rioted in Strathbungo causing mayhem and misery to the locals.

 Half of the fruit and veg shops in Allison Street were looted but luckily the remaining forty weren’t touched.

 In an area once described as a “tinder box” by someone who had never visited it, there eventually arrived an uneasy peace.

 The team had witnessed some of the rioting during the week and The Neville Brothers, in particular, were badly affected by it.

 As Phil said in the dressing room, “Young people, lacking opportunity, angry at the system and organising phenomenally fast over social media, the Strathbungo rioters showed some of the same characteristics as the pro-democracy demonstrators of the "Arab Spring."

“Strathbungo’s violence has been almost nihilist, focusing on looting and a quick burst of the sort of publicity and power inner-city youth feel they have long been denied.

“Across the world, the financial crisis may leave a whole generation of young people with opportunities that fall well short of their aspirations, perhaps to the point where they might even abandon hope for the future at all”.

As Phil droned on, our beloved skipper Mister Joyce succinctly said, “give me a gun and I’ll sort them out, although shootings too good for them”.

The skipper had been his usual cheery self as he came into the dressing room for his regular Sunday moan (also available on the other six days of the week) and was rabbitting on about something his long suffering personal secretary, Missus Joyce, had done.

“See wimmin, I just don’t get them at all, they are a nightmare, who would want to be one”, ranted Mister Joyce.

As he finished his sentence all eyes were drawn to the corner of the dressing room where Andy Dick Brother was sitting on his hands so as not to give the game away about the dark secret he had been hiding for years, although we all knew anyway.

Unfortunately Andy Dick Brother was still injured and he wasn’t the only player missing for the massive Troon game.

As Safehands is classed as a celebrity by Channel 5 he was away filming in the Big Brother House alongside some of his idols like Coronation Street Legend Lucien Laviscount, the outspoken Sally Bercow, the wonderfully talented Bobby Sabel and Darren Lyons who apparently comes from Australia.

Expect sparks to fly when Safehands and the international renowned Jedward Twins get together as they have had a long running feud for years about who is the best singer.

The jury is out on that one although if I was on it I would vote to convict all three of them.

No Safehands, so no keeper, but who would play in goals ?

Reserve keeper DouGay was again unavailable as he was performing as his alter ego “Deirdrie” in the Maryhill pub The Plumped Cushion.

Waugh Twin Jaaack was also unavailable as he was on security detail outside Sir Alistair of McCoist’s house in case any of his “supporters” tried to get at him.

Raymondo Martinez was fit at last but had to call off as he was working on the set of Brad Pitt’s new blockbuster zombie movie which is being filmed in Glasgow and has allowed the locals the chance to stare at parked cars and stand behind barriers all day.

Wee Al, our Highland full back, was away at a reenactment of the Battle of Bannockburn in his back garden along with Neilly.

That wasn’t so much a loss though as Wee Al’s previous game in goals had been an 8-0 drubbing from St.Johnstone which was described in the Broadfoot Bugle as “a game that had nothing each written all over it”.

We even tried the veteran Graham “The Cat” Carmalt but he was on a package holiday to Tripoli.

Desperate times but luckily Uncle Crossers hirpled into the dressing room which meant we were okay, but wait, were we ?

No such luck as Uncle Crossers, citing fifteen separate injuries, claimed he could only play outfield so that was yet another option gone.

It was good to see Uncle Crossers as he is a busy man these days and managed to get time away from his latest hysterical one man show, “Special Delivery”, a rip roaring, laugh a minute story of a delivery driver and the antics he gets up to.

Included in the show is one of Uncle Crossers favourite jokes; “a guy walks into a butchers and says, “have you got chicken legs” and the butcher replies, “naw, it’s just the way I walk”, just the way I walk, ha, ha, ha……..”

To make matters even worse, Slide Tackle Stu limped into the dressing room after sustaining a foot injury when Maribor had scored a late goal during the week against his real team.

Stu, disgusted by the loss of the goal, had kicked out at his full sized statue of Sir Walterinho, which he keeps in his bedroom, and his foot was described as “hurt” by Club Doctor De’ath.

But, Slide Tackle had always wanted to play in goals, and in midfield and up front, so he seemed the best option and foolishly agreed.

So, that was the keeper sorted, now we only had the defence to worry about.

Young Gav, munching on a pre-match burrito and flanked by The Teletubbies who were waiting to feed off the scraps, said “qué ?” when asked if he could play at the back and Mister C, a linguist of no repute, assumed that meant yes.

A hush came over the dressing room as Mister C cleared his throat and announced the team.

“Okay, so Slide Tackle Stu is in goals with Hesus and Phil, seeing Wee Al’s not here, at full back with Young Gav and Uncle Crossers in central defence.

“In the midfield we have Gary, Seanelli, Craig and Alan G with Mister Joyce and Weewhatshisname up front”.

“Boss there is a slight flaw in your team if you don’t mind me saying”, said the Great Marzinho who is also apparently injured but came along to watch.

“I can’t see Alan G or Weewhatshisname in the dressing room so you won’t be able to play them in your predictable 4-4-2 formation”.

“Reg, where are the two starlets, the guys that can save my career, the guys that can score goals ?”, cried an anguished Mister C to the geriatric Club Kit Man Old Reg Winkerman.

“On holiday Boss, I left a note on your desk on the back of the colour photo of Safehands and the world famous Paddy Doherty bare knuckle fighting”.

Mister C vaguely remembered the photo, which he had stuck on the Club Dartboard in the Big Jazza Games Room at Fortress Holyrood.

“Okay, we don’t have our superstars so that means that P.Danny can go in midfield and LHD can play up front. Reg go and ask the ref if we can cut the game short as I think we’re going to struggle”.

P.Danny was delighted to get in the starting eleven and tweeted to his 4 million followers.

“I’m in the team,

It’s like a dream,

I don’t wanna sound silly,

Is the big man fae Chile ?”

“Right team, what do we know about Troon ?”

Mister C was just about to make a team talk of epic proportions when Gary Neville interjected.

“Boss, Troon is a town in South Ayrshire situated on the west coast of Scotland approx eight miles north of Ayr.

“It has an estimated population of 14,500 and you can see the Isle of Arran across the Firth of Clyde.

“The name 'Troon' is derived from the Gaelic An t-Sron, meaning 'The Nose' or 'The bill' and a look at a map shows how it got this name. This could equally, however, have derived from Old Welsh.

 “In various deeds, the spelling is given as "Trune", "Trone", "Truyn", and "Trwyn". Nevertheless, the Scots Gaelic etymology is consistent with that of Stranraer (An t-Sròn Reamhar - The Fat Nose) located further south on the coast.

 “Troon is famous for its Royal Troon Golf course, one of the hosts to the Open Golf Championship The course is chosen to host this annual event roughly every seven years.

 

“And only this summer myself and Phil, along with our parents Neville and Neive and cousins Norman and Norma, enjoyed a lovely day at Troon and we had ice cream and made sandcastles, didn’t we Phil”.

 “Yes, Gary we did, and it was such a lovely day out as we also had a wonderful fish tea with lovely creamed scones afterwards, in fact….”

 “Okay, enough of this nonsense I was asking a rhetorical question”, said an exasperated Mister C.

 “A HATE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS AS I NEVER KNOW THE ANSWER, THEY’RE TOO DIFFICULT”, whispered Hesus who was downing his last pre-match bottle of Stella in preparation for the hyper massive game.

 “If you can let me speak for a minute. Okay, let’s pass the ball to each other and score goals”, announced Mister C who had been thinking of his team talk all week.

 “I knew he would say that, he always does”, said Craig [welcome to the reports Craig and hopefully we’ll hear more from you in the dressing room in future, leave it with me !] to his pal Seanelli who was too much in “the zone” to reply.

 As the teams left the dressing room Mister C wished his new signing, “good luck on your debut”.

 “Gracias penso con mucha ilusión en ello”, replied the big central defender.

 “Reg, did you hear what he said to me, no respect those Chileans”.

 The stadium was full to capacity as the teams wandered out to “Every Loser Wins” which new Club DJ Bruno Brookes was playing over the PA system.

 

It was imperative that we started well and we managed to survive the first quarter of an hour without any major scares as the whole team formed a barrier in front of Stu’s goal.

The tactic worked well for all of nineteen minutes until we lost the opening goal.

 A Troon corner wasn’t cleared properly and a shot from the edge of the box seemed to take a deflection which beat Stu.

 It was bad enough being a goal down but Uncle Crossers waved over to the touchline for attention.

 “Reg, get the number 12 shirt ready as we’ll have to put on a sub”, said Mister C to the venerable Club Kit Man.

 “Boss, we’ve only got one sub and it’s Andy Boy”.

 “Okay, forget that, hopefully it’s nothing serious”.

 Doctor De’ath ran on and radioed through to the touchline the bad news.

 “Mister C, you’ll laugh when you hear this, Uncle Crossers says he’ll have to come off because he can’t understand a word that Young Gav says”.

 “Tell him that nobody knows what he’s saying, apart from Hesus, so he’ll just have to get on with it”.

 Five minutes later and our troubles increased as a long range shot flew into the bottom corner to put us two behind.

 Celebrity fan David Blunkett, sitting in the Tubsy MaRubsy Hospitality Box with his faithful dog Hector, reckoned Safehands would have saved the shot but I’m not so sure.

 

Troon, with their number 4 doubling up as referee, were in the ascendancy but, after half an hour, we started to create some chances.

 First, LHD flicked the ball to Mister Joyce but his shot from the edge of the box went just wide.

 Then LHD again was the provider this time for Gary whose shot beat the keeper but was cleared off the line.

 The chances were coming thick and fast and Seanelli put over a cross which Craig headed over as we fought our way back into the game.

 There was only five minutes to go in the first half when our impetus was stopped in its tracks.

 A free kick from Troon struck the post and, although Stu saved the rebound, he couldn’t stop another shot and we were three down at the break.

 “Heads up, and lets keep going for the second half”, was the rallying cry from Craig who had come up with the idea after listening to many a half time team talk.

 “Okay, LHD is off and Andy Boy is on so I don’t expect much this half”, said Mister C before he said to Young Gav, “well played so far”.

“Gracias disfruto del juego“, replied the big Chilean.

“Reg, he’s definitely one for the watching, did you hear what he said this time about you ?”, said the bilingual Mister C.

The second half started well for us as we dominated the possession and remarkably played the bulk of the game in the Troon half.

Craig was trying his luck from distance and came close a couple of times, seeing a shot go wide and another saved by the keeper.

It was a much better performance than we could have hoped for and Gary, managing to get a full game, was seeing plenty of the ball on the right wing.

At the other end Stu had been relatively quiet apart from a couple of customary slide tackles on marauding forwards.

It just needed a goal from us to make the game interesting but it just wouldn’t arrive and Troon took advantage to score a couple of late goals to put the game out of our reach.

Young Gav came to the touchline to gasp, “me siento muy cansado y tengo que sentarme”, but he possibly wasn’t expecting to be told, “well done, keep going”.

Just before the end Mister Joyce took his leave of the pitch as he had a migraine but luckily P.Danny (replaced by LHD) was on hand to take his place.

“Skip’s head's a mess,

Andy D’s wearing a dress,

I’m in one crazy crew,

And ma keeper is Stu”

P.Danny got on just in time to see Craig head over from a corner as we missed the final chance of the game.

There was little time remaining and the final whistle blew with the scoreline flattering the opposition in a game where we had plenty of chances to get goals.

Back in the dressing room the Boss was full of praise for the team who had performed so well and kept going in the second half when all was lost.

Young Gav had played well on his debut and his buddy Hesus gave him a big cuddle afterwards to show his appreciation.

“Jesús es completamente bebido”, said the big South American and there was a tear in everybody’s eye as they couldn’t understand a word.

The game over, it was time for the main part of the day, the buffet, and The Teletubbies, barely having time to get changed, were at the head of the queue as new Club Chef Heston Blumenthal served his appetising Squirrel and Seaweed Pies.

Their appetites satisfied the team moved to the Drennan Silver Lounge for a wee drink and it was well after midnight before the revelries finished.

It was finally time to call it a night and Hesus whispered over to his pal Young Gav, “HAW BIG YIN, DAE YE WANT TO COME BACK TO MINE FOR A PARTY ?”

“Que, sí”, replied Young Gav.

“K C ? WHIT ARE YOU TALKING ABOOT, I’M NO CASEY JONES, YOU’LL NO FIND ME STEAMIN AND A ROLLIN”…………………….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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