Saturday 23rd April v Albion Rovers
at Holyrood Sports Centre 13-2 (7-1)
Martin Kelly, Neil Skinner, Calum Colquhoun, Stuart Waugh (Allan MacKenzie), Stephen Fox, Ally McNaught (Ally Dick), Andy Dick (Stephen McGilp), Craig McKenna (John Crosbie), Paul Joyce (c) (David Blair), Adam Walker (Andy McNaught) and Sean Connolly (Fraser Marr)
Dateline: Saturday morning ahead of the most important game since Appin.
Mister C is in his office with local Police Chief Inspector William Boyne because he has received a death threat through the post
“Well Mister C I have arranged for an officer to pop round in a couple of days to guard you as I take all death threats seriously.
“There are a couple of questions I do have though and it concerns the signatures at the bottom of the threat which look remarkably like your first team squad’s names.
“There is also the fact that the lettter was delivered by your internal mail system which leads to me to deduce that we are dealing with a master criminal.”
“Well it certainly couldn’t be an inside job as all my team back all my judgements and agree with my team selections”, said a clearly deluded Mister C.
Before they could speculate more the office door burst open and happy go lucky Club Kit Man Old Reg Winkerman stumbled in to announce, “Mister Joyce has gone ballistic in the dressing room”.
“Don’t tell me, someone’s left the top off the toothpaste again”, laughed Mister C and he went to high five Old Reg but unfortunately the Club Kit Man’s prosthetic arm doesn’t lift past his waist.
“Let’s forget all my worries of death threats and find out what’s going on.”
In the dressing room Mister Joyce was indeed going ballistic as he had also received some threatening material through the post.
Mister Joyce hurled a package against the wall with rage as he said, “someone has sent an anger management book through the post to me and I am absolutely raging, so I am”.
“It’s not just you that has received something through the post as I got a “Playing For Rangers annual out of the blue, the Royal Blue that is”, piped up Slide Tackle Stu.
“I got a package from Ann Summers with a few samples for the larger woman, sorry, man, but I was expecting it, eh, for my neighbour”, said a sheepish Andy Dick Brother.
“I got a year’s worth of white long johns for when I’m playing on the wonderful Fortress Holyrood surface”, contributed Sean Connelli.
“Just my usual burgers coupons, and they’re teckle”, said Andy Boy.
“I received a signed copy of Lady Thatcher’s memoires today along with a golliwog from her daughter Carol” said a proud Marzinho.
Doctor Kuntz, who had missed the last reports due to a lack of storylines, said, “I received my usual lawyer’s letters suing me for malpractice.”
P.Danny was on the phone to say that he only received a rejection letter for his latest raps.
“I sent my best stuff to Cowell,
And he let out a howl,
“This rap is the lowest of the low”
“And for me it’s a no””
“Rud sam bith” said Wee Al and Neilly in unison.
“I received the latest Uncle Crossers book, “Senior Moments”, which includes the legendary joke, “a dyslexic walks into a bra”, said Craig, “it’s a good read and available from Amazon UK for the princely sum of $23.”
But the Neville Brothers had also received a package.
“Myself and my gorgeous brother Phil received a package containing dog pieces”, said a clearly upset Gary Neville.
“Gary, it was dog faeces, not pieces and the mess was terrible, especially as we opened it in bed” continued Phil Neville.
“This is most upsetting and I can’t think why anybody would target us with such a horrible package.
“I don’t know what our cleaner Agnieszka Lisowski will think when she’s turning the sheets over this morning”.
“Well, I’m not happy at all”, interrupted Safehands, “as some clown sent me a pair of stilts”.
Mister Buffo, who had been trying to do our not very upwardly mobile “keeper” a favour, stormed out of the dressing room just as soon as someone opened the double doors to let his motorised chair exit.
“Who’s that snivelling in the corner ?” asked Mister C.
“I never got anything as usual”, cried Weewhatshisname.
Old Reg, meanwhile, was looking a bit embarrassed and asked Mister C to come outside for a private word.
“Boss, I know you asked me to send the Neville Brothers a DVD of the Sound of Music, a classic musical, one of the best films of all time, and a particular favourite of yours.
“But, the thing is my faithful bloodhound, Mildred, has a stomach problem so I was sending a sample off to the vets and I think I might have got it mixed up with the DVD.”
“I think that’s entirely possible Reg……….”
Albion Rovers were the visitors to Fortress Holyrood and they had an inexperienced look about them as they prepared to take on our starlets who lose more goals than they score every week.
“Right I’m taking this game really seriously so I’m going to start with a reasonably strong line up, although Safehands is the only keeper available as Sir McKellen is still holidaying in Mexico with 25th rated keeper Dougie.
“So Safehands you are in goals, Neilly is at ceart Am Bac, Phil at left with Foxy MaRoxy and Slide Tackle Stu in the centre.
“In midfield just for a change we’ll start with Gary, Sean, Craig and Andy Dick Brother with Mister Joyce and Wee whatshisname up front.
“On the bench we have a plethora of talent should the real players fail to shine.”
Although it was a very predictable team Mister C seemed agitated and said he was away to the car park to see if we had any late arrivals.
The teams made their way to the centre circle to salute the large crowd who had turned up as entry was free, and they were also getting a free burger and hot dog as a reward for their loyalty.
Just as the young referee was about to blow his whistle to start the game Mister C rushed on and asked if kick off could be delayed.
Twenty minutes went by before the referee insisted the game must start and off we kicked off.
“What was all that about Boss ?” asked Old Reg.
“Well Sir Stevie is meant to be in the squad today and so would be an automatic first pick as he is the best player to ever play for us, apparently.”
Sir Stevie or not we started brightly and it only took us a couple of minutes to go ahead when Andy Dick Brother headed a pass to Mister Joyce and he made no mistake.
Mister Joyce was in fine form and struck a shot off the bar before we made it two when Gary crossed into the middle, Weewhatshisname missed the ball at the front post and there was Sean Connelli to shoot home for a rare goal.
Rovers’ lack of match experience was showing and a quick throw in from Gary saw Mister Joyce score from 25 yards to make it three.
Mister Joyce had at last found his level and he cleverly headed the ball through to Weewhatshisname who lobbed the keeper for our fourth.
The celebrations were slightly over the top as Mister Joyce was engulfed by his team mates whilst the Wee Forward Guy got back into position on the half way line and shouted, “can we get on with it you shower of (expletive deleted)”.
Craig was next on the scoresheet and he fired in a low shot from outside the box for our fourth and celebrated his goal by taking off his pink football boots and waving them angrily at the Technical Area (capacity 523).
Old Reg looked suitably embarrassed as he explained that he had mistakenly put Craig’s boots in the washing machine along with Mister Buffo’s best red clown’s outfit and that’s why the boots were pink.
A simple error that could happen to anyone.
A couple of minutes later and we were celebrating yet another goal as incredibly Sean Connelli scored his second with an identical goal to Craig.
“Boss, I think today’s the day that Safehands gets a shut…….”, said Marzinho, whose knowledge of football is second to everyone.
Just then Slide Tackle Stu, clearly bored, decided to jump all over an opponent in the area and a penalty was awarded.
“It’s okay, Safehands nearly always saves pen……..”, again said Marzinho, just as Rovers scored to make it 6-1.
Losing a goal would normally make Mister C nervous but Sir Stevie had arrived safely so he knew the second half was going to be a cakewalk with the Legend available.
With only a few minutes remaining in the half Craig struck the bar then we scored a seventh when Sean unbelievably completed his first hat trick for the team with a great shot from outside the box.
Half time and we were six goals ahead and the team received a standing ovation as they trooped off down the tunnel.
“Okay, for once nobody can surely complain about the substitutions, apart from Mister Joyce, Weewhatshisname, Andy Dick Brother, Craig…………”, said Mister C.
“I’m going to make seven changes but can’t find Andy Boy or LHD, anybody got any idea where they are ?”
“Boss”, said Club Masseuse Busty Maine, “they have both being going through the turnstiles, and back again, all first half so they can get the free burgers and hot dogs.
“I’ve never seen the two of them so happy, or so fat, but they’ll be along in a minute to form as deadly a forward partnership as anybody could wish to see.”
“Well, at least with all the changes the game will be a lot more even now”, said Gary Neville, deprived of a second half start as usual but very happy that his gorgeous brother had somehow retained his place.
“I don’t think it will be even at all”, said Mister C, “not now Sir Stevie is on to pull the strings in the middle of the park with Uncle Crossers”.
It was Gary however who was closer to the mark as Rovers got a bit of a breather from losing goals and managed to get a bit more possession.
Chances were still coming our way however and Neilly, of all people, hit the bar with a shot after a cut back from Ally Dick Brother.
As Neilly said, “a chial !!”, and we can only agree.
The goals had dried up despite Sir Stevie majestically strolling through the game in the middle of the park.
But, after fifteen minutes of the half. Ally Dick Brother played a clever back heel to LHD and his cross was turned into his own net by a defender.
To Rovers credit they fought back and scored the goal of the game when one of their players chipped the ball over his head then volleyed home from the edge of the box.
The rain had started to pour down now and conditions weren’t ideal so our Teletubbie forward line suddenly came into their own.
First LHD got sent clear but his shot struck the bar and hit a defender but the keeper scrambled the ball off the line.
Then his partner (non civil) Andy Boy received a stunning pass from Sir Stevie, played the ball LHD who passed back to our tubby forward and he lobbed the keeper first time.
Calamity then struck us, or Foxy to be more precise, when our veteran Legend got clattered by one of the Rovers players (it would be churlish to omit that the Rovers player was actually a girl, a big one mind you but, a girl) and went down in a heap on the sidelines.
Doctor Kuntz sprinted over and announced that Foxy had broken his arm but, after a trip to the hospital, it was discovered that it was actually his ankle that was broken and hopefully he’ll make a speedy recovery from a very bad injury.
Gary came back on (despite all the hands going up from the other six subbed players) and he got on just in time to see Safehands launch the ball forward for LHD to run on and score our tenth goal.
The ninety minutes had come and gone but the referee decided to play five minutes of injury time which wasn’t a good thing for our opponents.
First Sir Stevie swept over a superlative corner which Ally Dick Brother headed home.
Then Andy Boy headed the ball across to LHD who headed home.
And finally, Sir Stevie played a quite resplendent ball to Andy Boy and he teed up Marzinho who calmly and gracefully placed the ball into the bottom corner.
In nobody’s wildest dreams could we have imagined we’d win 13-2 and the crowd were stunned, and annoyed as the hot dog van had shut early.
What a performance……...by Sir Stevie who strolled though the second half and the rest of the squad did okay as well.
Back in the bowels of Fortress Holyrood the team were jumping about like schoolgirls, particularly Andy Dick Brother but I can’t expand on that due to a mega super injunction.
Suddenly a tap on the dressing room door, which is there to provide cold water for anybody who needs it, and in walked Club Statistician Augustine Monaco with some news.
“I can reveal that today’s win was the second biggest in our history, behind the 20-0 annihilation of Meadowbank Thistle in 1989.
"And it was also the first time the Legends, Sir Stevie and Foxy, had played in the same team for us since May 1994."
“Amazing”, said everybody as one.
[Well done to everybody who took part and hopefully Foxy will be recovered soon.
Thanks to Rovers for travelling through and it’s the first time they’ve managed more than one goal in a game in their brief career as a team.
The day got considerably better later in the afternoon when Queen’s scored a winner in the fourth minute of injury time at Hampden so all and all an excellent day.]